Tot Music Class: Try desperately to engage your child in the songs and dances while they book it for the baby gates with new latches and cupboards they haven’t tried to get into yet. I be you didn’t know you could run while mimicking the moves of an ostrich so well?
Indoor Play Spaces: Dress them in bright clothing and concentrate on your fast moving object with the skill of an air traffic controller while jumping in when needed to slide down the curvy slide of death that they say is made to fit adults but is NOT.
But The Creme de la Creme, the Mother of all mommy and me tot classes, is Swim. Such that I am not alone in my opinion that it should really be considered for an Olympic event. Scoff away naysayers, but T25 has got nothing on a morning at swim.
Here’s how I see the event going down:
The One Adult Toddler Parent and Child Swim Class
The event will entail the following:
Getting the toddler ready for swim class:
Coerce a poop out so they don’t do it in the pool. A wet swim diaper and poop is disastrous and may lead to serious issues in later segments of the sport.
Dress them in swimwear.
Dress yourself in swimwear.
Pack the swim bag. Remember the essentials, like, oh, towels, underwear and a bra.
Wrangle the toddler into the car at the appropriate time. Arrive too early and the tantrum will ensue because they can’t get in the pool yet. Get there too late and risk rushing and forgetting the essentials, like the swim diaper.
Upon arrival wrangle the toddler out of the car, into the building, and into the pool area in a timely manner. Let the first changing session begin.
Get yourself undressed to reveal your swim class appropriate swimwear while keeping your third and fourth eyes on the toddler who is entirely sure they can get in the pool and swim just fine by themselves.
For the third time wrangle said toddler onto some sort of surface to get them undressed, in a swim diaper, and with swimwear back on.
Amuse them for what will feel like a half hour but is actually 2 minutes while they attempt to drag you into the pool with them and threaten to start an epic tantrum as they are failing.
When it’s your turn enter the pool with the toddler (this part is actually really fun. Lots of splashing, games, and swim basics. Like a short downhill run in cross country skiing). Points will be awarded to the loudest toddler and the best toddler participant.
Preparing to Leave:
Exit the pool while holding a flopping fish like toddler. Dropping them will result in serious point deductions.
Again find a surface to change them on. This time they will be wet, slippery, tired, hungry, and irritable. Pray you don’t get a wet swim diaper poop. Good luck and God speed.
Once they’re changed, and you’re a sweaty ball of goo, convince the toddler that it’s really fun in the changing stalls so you can now change.
With lighting speed and precision get your suit off, dry yourself and get dressed while making sure that your toddler has not snuck under to the next stall to say “Hi”, or worse has not snuck out to the pool area, as remember they are absolutely sure that they’ve got this swimming thing down.
After apologizing to your next door stall neighbor for your Peeping Tom, gather your belongings which are inevitably strewn about the pool area and once again wrangle your now grumpy toddler into the car.
The Drive Home:
Keep them awake for the car ride home to ensure a successful nap time later on. We know all too well the soul crushing pain of a napless day. Loud singing, open windows and various enticing snacks are all acceptable. No need for point deductions. Those who’s toddlers fall asleep will be given the child for the remainder of the day.
I imagine the parents of Olympic swimmers who may have had experience in a Mommy and Me swim class themselves will be amused, and will possibly enter their own Olympians into the event. Payback. Baby E will be available for those who enter sans their own toddler.